The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't look to someone else to get you out of the mess you're in this week.
Look for something cosmic to get you out of the mess. Like a meteor hitting the Earth.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There will be seven warning signs of your impending doom.
This week you'll miss three of them.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
No one gives you guff!
And as if to prove this horoscope writer, someone will attempt to give you guff, you will even take it for a little bit, but by the time you get home on Thursday you'll have lost it.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
An opportunity of a lifetime will present itself this week.
It will involve chocolate pudding, whipped cream, a mud wrestling pit (sans mud), and fourteen bare chested models. You should thank those lucky stars for this week, I'm telling you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
That uncomfortable feeling that someone is watching you will haunt you all week.
When you open your bedroom closet to find an elf from Santa's Village in New Hampshire it'll mostly explain the sensation.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have an impulse to name the baby "Potato." Which pronunciation you choose and which one people actually use will drive you nuts.
And the poor baby...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
*You will suddenly be unable to run fast... You will suddenly be unable to run fast... You will suddenly be unable to run fast... You will suddenly be unable to run fast... *
Umm, buy a new pair of running shoes this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Wear slimming pants this week.
Pair it with a fattening hat and see how disproportionate you can make your body look.
Libra September 23 - October 22
For some odd reason, you will have carpeted your living room floor with turtle shells this week.
I'd go barefoot if I were you, for better grip on the uneven surface.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
To be honest, you may have gotten a horoscope this week, I just can't be bothered to check the stars for you this week, it's usually the same old, same old story, you know?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I recommend not watching Adventures in Babysitting, if you are training for a similar job...
Be wary of moose this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I would invest in a pair of rubber gloves, perhaps a rain slicker, Wellington boots, and an umbrella this week. And that's just for indoors.
Also, if the Army Surplus store has any spare hazardous waste suits, I might pick one or two up.
[Horoscopes. Ah choo! And, umm, what the heck happened here?]