The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Use that charge card this week.
Preferably on a book. About Fenway. Fiction. Go on.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Oh boy. That was bad. Really bad.
Who wants ads in the middle of their horoscope?
Not you. Which is your horoscope for the week.
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Virgo August 23 - September 22
A good sense of timing will be crucial to your week.
Or, if you fancy a calm week, I would attempt, with all my might, to miss the 8:15 bus to Albuquerque on Tuesday morning. Maybe watch some cartoons on the television or something.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't leave any pies out on the windowsill this week.
This is both metaphorical and literal advice this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't go out without a raincoat, or, failing that, a Belgian beer.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Don't go wishing your life away.
Even events where you're sitting next to a fat guy chewing tobacco and farting on a plane will make for interesting stories later. Maybe not dinner stories, but stories, nonetheless.
And feel good that the writer of this particular horoscope is probably sitting next to someone with really bad body odour, has some sort of terminal coughing disease, in which they cough and spit up mucous on people nearest them, and seem to be oozing a kind of green slime from the arm on the shared armrest in their own version of the plane ride from Hell.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'd better start training really hard: someone is going to kick your butt in a 5 mile race soon.
Just saying.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be supremely bored this week.
No getting around it. Just bored.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your horoscope has expired this week, due to inactivity on the account.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No horoscope for you. Though, due to the expiry of the Libra horoscope we'll give you the following spillover: "Wear plaid, be bold, don't give up the fight."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Why do I always think "hamburgers" when I think Sagittarius?
Cosmically, I suppose, it must make sense.
That or I always get to your horoscope around the appointed hamburger time each week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Make sure to check your carry-on luggage for suspicious looking bottles of water, toothpaste, possibly deadly toothbrushes, hamsters, underwear, and books (ideas are bad! Make it a romance novel). Otherwise you might be spending a night in the "Homeland Security Holding Tank for Violating Inviolable Air Space Safety Regulations."
[Horoscopes. Worth a read, any of those books, probably starting with Divorcing Jack