The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you can't think of the words to say on Friday, here are a few which may work: "Spaghetti, pollo, Barcelona, and monkey nuts."
It may be in the inflection you use...
Leo July 23 - August 22
Listen up, shorty: your birthday week is over... or maybe it's just starting, depending what sort of Leo you are.
If you are a pink fluffy Leo you might want to avoid the carnival grounds this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will need to tell millions and millions of people about a certain book this week.
If you don't know millions of people, well, it's a great week for you to get out and meet people.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The weather in Ireland is sucking this weather.
Come on over to Massachusetts, where it's beach weather! Woohoo!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do not attempt to microwave... well, okay, let's put it this way, just stay away from the microwave this week.
Also, if you have a dog, keep your eye on it around other Capricorns.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
It is not a time to leap in, where money matters are concerned.
So that dream of leaping into a pile of cash will have to be put off for yet one more week. Next week's stars are looking promising, though...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Beware the man in the woods this week.
It's a tax collector.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A snake will come up to you, asking you to eat a pineapple.
Just don't do it. You'll have a really rotten week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
What happened to the beauty you had inside you?
Oh yeah, you'll have traded that away for a cheeseburger and mint condition Venezuelan stamp on Monday night.
This may or may not be the occasion that causes you to take a look at your life and where it's going.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No introspection for you, I'm afraid. You don't get a horoscope, mate.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Be assertive this week, and the world will be your oyster.
If you're not assertive it'll resemble a piece of cod that's been left out, defrosting for just a tab too long.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Would you like to book a ticket on a rocket to orbit the Earth?
Set your sights any lower and you'll be a hazard to other planes in air.
Which is not in your stars for this week.
So get up there.
[Horoscopes. Wow. Sort of.]