The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You missed a day somewhere in there. Well, that or you've been gypped, because today is the second day of the rest of your life.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will get a very strange business proposition on Thursday.
And you will be wearing an odd hat. So there you go.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your bag of tricks will come in handy this week.
Particularly the "saw a person in half" trick.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your actions this week will possibly change the course of history.
This may or may not be related to the potato waffle issue we keep bringing up.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Try and get through the week as fast as possible.
So get on your motorbike!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will get plenty of rest this week, and have an absolute blast this Friday through Sunday.
And you will probably make a magazine, if not the cover, with how beautiful you'll look this weekend.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your desire will outweigh your ability to deliver this week.
I am basing this partly on the lack of Munchkins this week.
Your desire for Munchkin delivery could definitely use some work.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will act way too quickly this week, before getting all the information in hand before leaping into action.
As a result, I would avoid the main course you order on Tuesday.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't plagiarise. I know you're thinking of it, and I just want you to reconsider.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No-ho-ho-ho. Horoscope for you. None.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I would like two all beef patties on a wheat bun with a bit of cheese.
Oh, sorry. Wrong window.
You'll have a good week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Life is like a mountain covered in green beans and raspberries.
Watch where you step.
[Horoscopes. Manny? Thornton? I think I see the Bruins new strategy... just make it easy for fans to cheer by getting players with names familiar to Boston fans. When they sign a guy off the street as a forward just because his name is Larry Bird we'll know for sure.]