Taurus April 20 - May 20
What your week needs is a good strong pint of something strong.
A diligent little train engine that, it turns out, can, will catch your attention this week with it's diligence and determination and all that. The world needs more trains like that.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Clare Island figures heavily into your week this week. Whether you wind up there, live there, happen to be listening to the Saw Doctors, or completely have nothing whatsoever to do with it remains to be seen.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week you should take the time to enjoy the finer things in life, kick back, take it easy, maybe sniff a few flowers.
Jupiter being in your second house of Groovie will ensure you're back to your old form, being hip and down with all the hottest trends of the day. Be sure to invest in Jelly Shoes, they're coming back, yeh know.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You shall, someday, see your face on coinaage somewhere. Whether or not it's just a bad trip is not quite up to you, but if it makes you feel better, ok.
If you are a celebrity, shoot your mouth off this week about how your new film/book/television series/rehabilitation centre is going to be the best ever. Sure, it's title "insert your name here's Gorey Trip Through Hell and Almost Back But Failing to Make It Through the Parlour Door With Any Amount of Grace for Which He/She Was Known in the Old Days" may not have quite a ring, but it'll grow on people.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Tackle finance this week, and try to beat the hell out of it. If this means you happen to be arrested for assaulting a banker, so be it. Which one of us hasn't at some point?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
This week, ha ha, yes, you're alive, thought we had you fooled there for a moment or week or two, didn't we? Well, no, you're alive, though you may wish you weren't, when all sorts of people start going on about love and that lot, when you had been so happily untroubled by that such stuff while dead the last few weeks.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Touchdown! Houston, we have err.. touchdown!
You land on this week like some gigantic rocket out of NASA landing on something else. And when you take off from this week you manage to burn the week quite badly, as a rocket does, when it takes off from whatever it had landed on, if it happens to be traveling on.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This is a paid advert for Carlsberg Beer, which I had to buy, to finish writing your horoscope.
Your week will be full of joy and happiness, and be sure to be a bit flirtatious, while you're at it.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The Black Forest, for those of you whom had spent last week searching for rampant sex on a signpost in it last week as an alternative to true love, is not, indeed, in Pennsylvania, but in Germany. The country. The one just over past Luxembourg.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This is the week you take action and write the Amazingly Huge and Cumbersome Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Rollicking Good Times a scathing letter and mail it off, posthaste.
And you wait, and twiddle your opposable thumbs, and wait for some kind of good horoscope, someday.
You may get fired from your job this week for sitting at home all week, or for twiddling your thumbs in the office.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week there will be nothing but bliss and cotton candy!
Which makes it quite difficult to get out and enjoy it all, there being no doors or anything but cotton candy and bliss, but what else do you really need?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Ah, yet another week. Whew. And you're still alive, aren't yeh? Amazing. And I had fourteen quid down on you not lasting another week.
This week you meet a very beautiful someone. And then we'll leave it up to you from there.
[Horoscopes. da da da da da, dee dee dee, la la.]
