The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A wet wombat is not something to be trifled with.
For some reason, the creature camped out in your kitchen is less annoying to you than the horrible grammar faux pas in the previous sentence.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Pepper steak would be a good choice, if you were going out to eat at some place that served that dish.
Which you won't be. But a nice thing to bear in mind, anyway. For when you're having spaghetti at home nearly every night this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
No one can tell you what to do.
Which, umm, of course, doesn't include us.
Go out and plant a tomato plant this week.
See?
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You stocking up on potato waffles?
A little run-in with the gardai will pose a threat to you getting your requisite three packs of waffles this week on Wednesday, but we have faith that you'll find a way around this little situation.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The colour yellow will play a large role in your week.
Perhaps in the form of jaundice, dandelions, or egg yolk.
Hopefully not all three at once.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your inability to be able to help from being gorgeous will haunt you all week, when you cause a traffic accident on the Tuesday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Be brave this week.
Because it's easy to brave when not much is going on.
It'll be three weeks before the stuff hits the fan because of the distinct lack of Munchkins around the Sane Magazine offices. Which you were supposed to provide.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't accept gift horses, especially the one you receive on Thursday without a mouth.
Libra September 23 - October 22
It's a week of feast or famine for you this week, I'm afraid.
You've had squirrels before, right? Because this week it's squirrel in a red wine reduction sauce with a peanut salad.
So if you don't like squirrel, well, it looks like famine.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nothing doing for you this week... because you haven't had a horoscope for over ten years now. Ouch.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The guy on the bus will keep harassing you until you finally just give up and get off the bus.
Little did you know, unless you read your horoscope, that he was talking to the caterpillar he keeps in a jar inside his coat pocket called Hugh.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Well, Friday should be interesting for you, anyway.
Possibly in a really, really boring and disappointing way.
[Horoscopes. Huh, I thought I was the only one with that fantasy...]