The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your week will resemble chocolate pudding.
Or mud.
Leo July 23 - August 22
On Thursday, a small rodent will gnaw through your leg. Unsurprising, in a way, since the rodent had been working on your leg since Monday.
I would wear long socks this week if I were you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Do not wear fur coats this week.
This is not a PETA thing, I just don't want you to melt like a cheeseburger left on the grill, forgotten until it becomes a tiny little piece of charcoal.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Start buying potato waffles now.
At least three packets a week.
If you know what's good for you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Unannounced plans will make your face go red this week.
It will involve a bucket of red paint.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be so radiant on Wednesday that they will have to divert traffic from nearby airports around your house in a much wider berth than usual.
Also, someone on the inside will just not stop kicking you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
What happened to the weekly Munchkins tithe you're supposed to pay?
I'd say you've been quite slack in recent times.
Don't make us send the Munchkins tax man over there.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Tread lightly on other people's feelings this week.
Because they get recycled, you know, and you might wind up with feelings with your own bootmarks on them someday.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Approach this week like you'd approach a porcupine.
Like there might be snakes on the rocks surrounding their home. Which is to say: carefully.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nyet.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Be careful of small kindnesses this week.
Some people will tell you those are what makes life worth living, but I'm telling you, those are excellent times for someone to smuggle a gun in and try and get a couple shots off at you. Don't trust the mail man.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Our long national nightmare is over.
You might get in-ear headphones this week.
Then again, it may just linger on and on.