The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The Mayans had a saying: "Don't mess with the guy with the most tattoos."
You would be doing well if you followed that advice this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The Dutch have an old proverb that goes: "Don't leave the butter out on the table, someone is bound to put their elbow in it or it's going to get really, really soft, and no one likes soft butter."
If you're betting this week: 9 red.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
An old German woman who lives down the street often says: "If wishes were kisses I would sleep with the fishes."
At least, this is what it sounds like.
I would pay no heed, and say you have harmonica lessons to get to, if she ever stops you in the street.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Seven Italian men will say: "Oo la la! Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Which further cements your opinion of Italian men as non-sequitur spouting miscreants.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A man was going to Saint Ives, and on the way, he met a man with seven wives.
He turned around and headed back home, so no riddle was ever given, beyond the one that went: "How did the man get seven wives, and did they all know Judy was the favourite?"
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Clare girls in bikinis say that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but, in your case, you know that it's greenest just outside your office window.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A fish, a tomato, and an antelope walk into a bar. The fish says, "Waste not, want not."
And the tomato and antelope concur, but are annoyed, because the fish is always going around, shouting out truisms and then expecting everyone to agree with them to make them look smart.
Aries March 21 - April 19
There will be pudding. And an incident. With the pudding. On Friday.
Just warning you. If you want to remember what it is, I would recommend taking it easy on the alcoholic beverages that afternoon.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A rip in the space-time continuum has you dressed in a powder wig and shoes with alarming curls in the toes.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No one speaks to you this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't stand too near Libras this week.
Also, pack an extra drumstick in your pocket on Thursday.
The rabid dog will thank you by not chewing your leg off.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will invent something to make you millions.
Make sure you remember what it is, and see if you can hire on a reasonably priced marketing guy.
[Horoscopes. The mass of men lead leaves of quiet desperation... some wear rollerblades and their hockey gear on the treadmill.]