The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
I warned you about that guy with the clear orthodontics... oh wait, no, I haven't, just yet.
Well, consider this your warning.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your air guitar skills are in full bloom this week.
Go on, try them out. Dazzle your audience.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your new toothpaste has the equivalent dazzling power that certain Leos display with their air guitar skills.
Which is to say that it may be considerably less dazzling to those around them than to themselves.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Spread your emotional investments this week around. Like fertilizer. Or stock investments.
Because you don't want one massive pile of manure (or stock) stinking up your lawn. Wait, I do believe I've confused my metaphor with the actual. At any rate, something won't smell right around the house this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
So you may have to accept that your new visitor may be here to stay this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
There will be slightly more of you to give a horoscope to this week.
Well, not technically you, but you know what we mean.
And you and not technically you will have a good week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A skydiving expedition will need your help this week.
What that team of seven soldiers are doing parachuting off your porch you'll probably never know. Unless you ask them.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Listen. Here's the deal. Bring a spare pair of pants on Thursday. Just trust me on this one.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't tempt Fate by leaving your best pair of jeans out on the line overnight this Tuesday.
Fate needs a new pair of jeans.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Sorry, I'm fresh out of horoscopes for you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will have stories to tell about the alligator from the sewers you wrestle to the ground on Friday.
Actually, that's about it. Other than the fact that you wrestle a pretty big alligator to the ground, there's not much more to tell, without getting over theatrical.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't be a pig and eat the last cookie on Saturday.
[Horoscopes. Just this.]