The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't be fooled by things which aren't as they seem.
Of course, telling the difference between things seeming as they are and things being as they are will be difficult. Probably easiest under the influence of a mild amount of alcohol.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be facing consequences this week of seeds you'd sown a few months ago.
And they aren't bean seeds, let me tell you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will receive surprise visitors on Tuesday!
Well, surprise if you're very forgetful, I suppose. And don't read your horoscope until Wednesday. Or at least until after they've left on Tuesday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If I were you, I would buy a massive thing of cling film, and start wrapping every movable object in your house in it.
Let's call it sensible preparation.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A fortuitous meeting will yield great results.
The first great result: 42.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Three words: Strawberry. Rhubarb. Pie.
In other news, that's a very cute top you've been wearing this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You should pick up a new hobby this week.
Like maybe afghan knitting, or wake boarding.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't buy the hype.
Also, stay away from the blueberries. Most of them are rotten and mouldy. Stick with the strawberries, even if they're a little pricier.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Someone at the office must be playing a joke.
You get the strictly uncoveted Eskimo refrigerator account.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You are like an empty grain of sand in a koan written by no one.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't taunt the jelly.
Just don't. Don't question it, just... you'll know when the times comes what it is you're not supposed to do.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your pants will feel so much like they're on fire on Monday evening that you'll have to wonder if you're a liar, according to the symptoms of the age-old prophecies.
It may also be your laptop.
[Horoscopes. For those of you interested in the history of Boston baseball, this is an interesting read. For those of you not (how dare you!), fine. This is for you.]