The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Monday will inexplicably be missing for you.
Maybe that will teach you to live every day as though it were your last. Though how that helps you recover a missing day, I don't know.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Hmm. Your Monday will also be missing.
After asking a raving loony of a Taurus, you'll surmise that maybe something bigger is going on... something to do with the Rosicrucians!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Oh man. On Tuesday some absolute nut case of a Leo will harangue you about the Rosicrucians and something about Monday.
Which will remind you... what did you have for lunch on Monday? Only to realize... wait a sec... what happened to Monday?
Gemini May 21 - June 20
For some reason, your week will feel a lot shorter than normal. You refuse to say anything about it, though, knowing how touchy your short cousin Greg gets when you mention height issues to him.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
An anonymous phone call tips you off to the potential fate of the missing Monday.
Well, it would have, if you hadn't hung up, assuming, for some reason, there was some massive Happy Mondays revival going on amongst the telemarketers these days.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your Monday will be missing, without a trace of it, this week.
Which means you missed approximately 72 meetings. So it's not necessarily a bad thing at all, and you have no desire to go find it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Monday, and, oddly enough, Sunday, too, will be mostly missing for you this week.
Go figure.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your Monday would have been the worst day ever, culminating in your untimely death by leeches.
Luckily for you and the world's legions of other Aries, you seem to have missed Monday this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your winning lottery numbers will be chosen on Monday. Well, would have been chosen on Monday.
Since Monday seemed to have not happened this week, you miss out on that 100 million pound jackpot.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No Monday, or any day, for you. You know the drill by now.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will claim that your socks stink because you'd planned to wash your socks on Monday, which didn't appear to occur this week.
However, credible eye witnesses will corroborate the evidence that you were offered sock cleaning services, or the availability of equipment with which you could wash socks on Wednesday and Thursday.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Monday was a very busy and hectic day for you. Luckily for you, it never happened.
Though you may still find yourself out of a job, curiously enough.
[Horoscopes. Like Remy, I'm really going to miss the Manny era in Boston, too.]