The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't shed any tears for unfruitful ventures this week, you have next week to which you should look.
Besides, there's always the hope that the ventures you've sown will be late bloomers. In which case you should hold off planting any more ventures, because you don't want to have too much, come harvest-time, and that will just exhaust the gardening/farming metaphor.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Beets. Make sure you have lots of beets on hand this week. I won't spoil the surprise by telling you why.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
When you look in the mirror on Tuesday morning and discover a mushroom staring back you'll realize why you've never really liked mushrooms.
It doesn't help that you can't remember how Gregor Samsa harnesses his new strange power and transforms himself from a beetle back into a human.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your billable hours outweigh your non-billable hours this week.
"Billable to whom?" you might be asking yourself.
Well, the answer to that question is a good one to pursue this week, otherwise you're racking up and documenting billable hours with no one to bill.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're about to get a New Addition to the family this week.
And we're not talking about the bandmates making a special appearance.
Wait. Maybe that's New Order we're thinking of. Anyway, not them.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will discover, on Tuesday, the perfect colour, from which all other colours are derived, and instantly transforms any room into an Earthly Paradise!
On Tuesday morning, on the way to the DIY shop you will lose the swatch, and be forced to sift through the billions and billions they have in store.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Stupid magic eight ball.
It shall be Thursday, 10:39AM.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You are going to make the biggest wardrobe mistake of your life on Friday.
Also, you are allergic to peanut butter for one week, and one week only. Sort of like a special sale, only with hives.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't open that box on Wednesday.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Don't do anything all week.
As you have no horoscope, though, that's more of a suggestion than an actual prediction.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The sandwich on Thursday will seem like a good idea at the time, but will turn out to be a horrible mistake on Sunday.
Because you'll find out you'd eaten the last ostrich with that order.
If you're wondering how a seemingly vibrant species such as the ostrich could disappear in one week, well, there are a lot of hungry, sandwich-eating Sagittarii out there.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A great weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
Try not to drop it on anyone on your way out the door on Friday.
Or at least be picky about who you do drop it on.
[Horoscopes. Gliese 581 c, aka "Super-Earth." And on it, we're told, Sane Magazine is 95% funnier.]