The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The ghost of a former lover will haunt you this week.
Or, upon closer inspection, it will be the ghost of your own self, as those socks peeking out from under the chest of drawers are your own.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Someone will doubt your abilities this week.
And unless you can levitate them in the chair they're sitting in, well... they might just have a good reason for doubting.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Heed the advice of Saturn this week, which is to take a lot of dust and dirt around you and attempt to hula hoop it all, get it photographed, and no one will notice how dirty your house is.
Well, they won't see how dirty the rings spinning around you are, anyway.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The stars can influence many things, but not the unfortunate choice of neon-ish green, Spandex, and ruffles.
Just warning you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't expect perfection this week.
In fact, don't even expect slightly less than perfection.
You're about to get fully half perfection and not perfection this week.
Which, in itself, might be considered a sort of perfection. By those desperate for a little perfection in their week, anyway.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will see large fuzzy things dancing around before your very eyes this weekend.
Please refrain from envisioning any of them as dusters.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
That damn magic eight ball.
Wednesday, 9:42AM.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Brace yourself, there's an ill wind blowing in from the North.
Actually, It'll be the stray umbrella in that wind that's the ill part, striking you in the head on Wednesday morning.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be careful what you wish for.
A passing genie may catch only part of what you're wishing for and grant it there and then.
And who wants a suitcase full of rotten eggs and have to do all the work of lugging it to that taxi driver's house yourself?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No. Sorry. Just nothing.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Underestimate the power of a "power washer" at your own peril.
You've been warned, and that stupid stunt you pull on Saturday is all on your own shoulders.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This experiment you're on is due to end badly. Soon.
At least then it'll be over.
[Horoscopes. Awesome. Of course, I had to watch that video seven or eighteen times to ensure it was appropriate for this site.]