Taurus April 20 - May 20
Turpentine and fineries are the perpetrators (or 'perps,' as they're called in those real-life cop dramas you love watching so) in your week of folly, mayhem, and a little dog named "Poodles," that just so happens to be a bull mastiff.
It's best to watch television this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Elysian fields. This week of yours will most definitely resemble Elysian fields.
And when it's over, you will be more than qualified to speak of your experiences to a first year literature class.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Read a good book this week. They're healthy, good for you, and if it's by Danielle Steele it's more than likely got a nice pink or purple cover with some gold-embossed shiney things.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Ducks will play a large role in your week, as it is that time of the year again. Finance and fortune, however, are a different story.
If you are a celebrity, you can feel free to walk around a bit, looking attractive. Thank you, that'll be all.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There will be, due to Jupiter's presence in your third house of delectable treats, a generous amount of fat hanging about your door, just waiting for you to open it so it can leap to your hips, thighs, and chin.
Sorry, but the truth is hard sometimes. However, you can probably manage to fend off the most of it with a stick.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Well, despite being eaten by a wild thing last week, you manage to get on quite well this week. For one thing, you don't have to worry about losing weight.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Against your better judgement, and the judgement/symptoms in last week's horoscope, you still insist on working too hard.
However, as you seem to be working in a small Peruvian town (a horrible transfer you which you hadn't actually applied for at work, but had gotten anyway, as reward for your work ethic), you just may begin to slack off a little next week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Try a little spice in your life this week!
It'll bring you happiness, love, and money, if you douse your food in ginseng, which I'm almost postive should be a spice.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will find true love this week, on a billboard, somewhere in Pennsylvania, USA. For those of you on the continent, you will have to do a bit of traveling, or alternatively settle for wild, rampant sex on a signpost in the Black Forest.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Still not back from lunch, the Really Fantastic Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Junk Bonds, of course, do not have a result for you. You begin to think about writing them a really nasty letter.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
What I had meant to say last week, but, due to some unfortunate typing errors, got wrong, was that you should never tweak chicken in Asia.
This week, you will discover that, perhaps amazingly, you can live without lard and mayonnaise sandwiches. For a week, anyway.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're happy and you don't know it, we've told you twice, albeit subtley, so get your ears checked.
[Horoscopes. not watered down in the least, all natural ingredients only, like water.]
