The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Help out those around you in need.
Like the hot dog vendor guy.
He looks needy. Buy a couple to help him out.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Everything will go well this week.
You will not be able to return this week if you wanted it rare or medium rare, you savage.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Forces will conspire against you.
Fortunately for you, those forces are quite lazy, so the conspiracy will be no more than dark talk in back rooms, and you can keep sipping your margarita in your lawn chair.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Beans beans beans!
It's going to be that kind of week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Drama will infest your week like bed bugs on a mattress left in a darkened home at the end of the street, shutters closed up, moisture hanging in the air, ghosts too scared to even stick around.
Try and keep it dialed down, though. The vast majority of us will be trying to watch the television, and you going on will just disturb those efforts.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be missed. In a week's time.
A lot.
Tomorrow you will get some very, very cool pictures. Say hello for me...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are expecting a delivery.
It will not be coming this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Bart's Black Burgers will sound incredibly appetizing to you on the menu you read Friday, but will not feel that way the next day.
Even armed with this knowledge you'll still be unable to resist.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Leave well enough alone when the guy with the eye patch, a hook for one arm, and the bulldog asks, very politely, for you to leave him alone.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
--VOID--
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A speakerphone will make you heard more loudly this week.
Just make sure you're speaking the truth.
If you are a skeptic, and cannot be sure of the truth, maybe you can just blast Van Halen or something over the speakers, for the enjoyment of your neighbours.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't give up.
Well, okay, maybe it's time to give up.
Just refrain from bringing heavy artillery in to the office. Or maybe just the lighter heavy artillery you can get your hands on. Just one of them.
And only bring seven bullets or mortars.
And no knives.
[Horoscopes. I have no idea about the stories. But the website's good.]