The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Hold on to the things that matter most in life to you this week:
1) That frayed old teddy bear
2) Your computer
3) That really comfy duvet you found in the discounted bin at IKEA
4) The gold bullion your crazy uncle Leo left you in the locker at Logan.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Follow the north wind.
Warning: bring a coat. As the north wind, more likely than not, will lead you up north. Unless you're following the south wind, by accident.
You see, winds are named by which direction they're going to, not coming from.
I think. Bring a coat, anyway.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be asked to fill in for Curt Schilling on his 'blog while his employers ask that he maybe focus on what he's being paid for.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't sweat the small stuff this week.
Because the big stuff is going to be a big pain in the backside, and will keep you occupied enough.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your week will be lined with metaphorical goose down.
Which is a bit like a silver lining, yes. But softer, less likely to tarnish.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will hear the sound of a thousand little hoofbeats on Tuesday.
And you'll get eggs and ham.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Welcome to your big month!
I predict a busy, rushed off your feet sort of vibe to this month.
Just try not to wear roller skates around the house and it'll all be okay.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Someone's true feelings will become apparent to you this week, either through a bumper sticker of theirs or a tattoo on their person.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A good thing to try out this week is cooking with an alternative to olive oil.
That's the sort of thing Mercury in your sign means to you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
That's right, Pisces got a monthly horoscope. Which is one month more than you've gotten of regular 'scopes.
Who says life is fair? Not Jim, the guy at the newsstand, that's for sure.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Pink pigs pickle peppers at precocious picnics is your tongue twister of the week from the stars!
Also, on the whole, avoid pickled peppers this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your feet will inexplicably stink of cheddar cheese and ham this week.
If you think of it, check your shoes before you put them on, like that time you had to check your shoes every morning for fear of deadly spiders having crawled in this. Only with less of a chance of you dying if you fail to spot something. So win-win.
Your oddly working titled novel will get back underway this week, come hell or high water. Or both.
[Horoscopes. Oh man. "[Y]ou know that reality is going to disappoint."]