The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't expect hand outs this week.
In particular, don't expect anything on silver platters. This is actually a good thing, as you are shut in this week, and silver platters, and anything they might have on them, would not fit under your door.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Practice what you preach this week.
The real test starts next week.
Bring a number 2 pencil.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Don't lend any money to anyone this week.
Especially not Joe Pesci. And he will come asking again.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is an excellent week for nostalgia.
Not when it applies to the pork chops sitting in the fridge, though. Those you should just chuck out.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Eat your greens. And don't give your mom a hard time.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will get chicken on Tuesday!
Chicken and some sort of vegetable.
Oh, and you look cute.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'd better watch your back at the local Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday. That's all I'll say.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A new direction will be apparent by the middle of the week.
It will be East. Damn. I guess we blew that one, huh?
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will discover electricity this week!
Sadly, you're a couple years late to be able to get the patent.
Or so you might think. You never know. Try the US Patent Office, they seem to award some pretty odd patents.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nah.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Wear you kidney on your sleeve. Just be careful walking by any body in need of a kidney, they might try and nick it right off your sleeve.
And I don't think kidneys would survive the wear and tear of being stapled to your sleeve.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You may experience dizziness.
Or a hamster, gnawing on your toe. I would keep checking my toes all week, just to be sure. You don't want to suffer the ignominy of losing a toe to a hamster
[Horoscopes. Coach's Corner on the kinder, gentler NHL.]