The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Choose your friends wisely this week.
You have three choices, and you will be alternating in your selections with your arch-enemy from a somewhat limited pool.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A small package will surprise and delight you on Tuesday.
Unless you are allergic to Jell-O.
In which case it will just surprise you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Someone from the phone company will be sitting in your kitchen, having a cup of tea, on Friday morning.
The most disconcerting part will be the sparkly bauble headgear he's wearing.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Bake some soda bread and think of some people who would really, really like soda bread right about now.
And then mail it to them.
Umm, please.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't try and be a hero this week.
Especially not with your cape at the dry cleaners.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Someone close to you will fix all of this.
Just let them find a hammer and some glue (in case it all goes wrong).
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be tempted to cheat on Sunday.
Do. Not. Do. That.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't be disheartened by the events of Wednesday.
It's not every day one gets mauled nearly to death by a stampede of turtles, as they make their annual migration to the sea.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will have a choice, like a lot of people this week.
It will be a choice between a mud bath or porcupine needles inserted somewhere uncomfortable (which isn't exactly a narrow field, to be honest).
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The prodigal retur... wait. No, no horoscope for you, still.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Soon.
That's all I get from the stars this week, which is weird. Normally I get at least something else.
But nothing but "soon." So I'd be ready for whatever it is.
No sneaking naps, y'hear?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will find truth in a hamburger wrapper this week.
[Horoscopes. As good a place as any to start. We recommend Colin and Joseph.]