The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Live the life to which you are led.
It's okay to lose your lead, if you don't think you like where you're going.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your week will have teeth.
Not fangs, necessarily, but good, old fashioned chompers to sink in.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Hmm. You didn't give away that package we recommended you give away last week, did you? In fact, you may be viewing this very horoscope on it.
Surely that's not going to go down well with the horoscope gods...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Someone named Ming the Merciful (yep, that's right) will ring you this week.
You may like what he has to say for himself.
Hint: a lot of it seems to be about cakes.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your life resembles that of a tiny glass ballerina on a jewelry box this week.
It could be the fact that you spin and spin when the spotlight is on, but never accomplish anything, and when the spotlight is away, you just lie there.
Or it could just be the pink tutu you're wearing.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
An inauspicious start to the week will quickly get better, and better, and better, until, by the end of the week, you'll be riding a gold plated pony with a popsicle in one hand and chocolate bar in the other.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Many moons ago you decided to do something.
The time is now!
(It may have been simply to start talking in terms of 'moons' for periods of time.)
Aries March 21 - April 19
Be strategic in your placement of fig leaves this week.
It could the difference between the embarrassment of not having place-mats for people to eat off and having these seeming eco-friendly ones.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Sort out important papers this week.
To throw a bit of excitement at the whole process, try doing it with lemon juice as your ink of choice.
Just write yourself a note in non-lemon juice to not throw away the seemingly blank papers on your desk.
NB. Your desk may become extraordinarily messy as you experience utter paralysis when it comes to throwing away any papers on the desk at all, for fear they might have incredibly important notes in invisible writing that you just haven't noticed as of yet.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I... well, I have nothing for you. What did you expect? A cheeseburger and beads?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You receive a massive shipment of cheeseburgers and beads this week.
It is addressed to someone else, but you always play the "finder's keepers" game with packages arriving on your doorstep, anyway.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Choose a new career path.
This is a nice way of saying you're not good at either your day or night job.
[Horoscopes. Even if you don't like math (or Venn diagrams) this is sometimes funny.]