The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You know the old saying, "Spit on a stick, get a pair of knicks"?
Well, it's not true. And the person at the coffee shop won't appreciate you having spit on his swizzle stick at all.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You have poppy seeds stuck between your teeth.
This will not affect your arm wrestling performance in Thursday's All-World Arm Wrestling Championship. In fact, it may help.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will receive some kind of package this week.
You know how they say it's better to give than to receive? Maybe you should give it away to someone else, then...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You'd better start running a printing press out of your sitting room, because people want what you've got, and they want it NOW.
(If your stock in trade is painting, counterfeiting money, printing books, or you still insist that fanzine of yours is about to take off, this horoscope is especially for you. For the rest, maybe a nice decaffeinated drink would be better this week.)
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If wishes were fishes, you'd be eating a lot of fish this week.
Try converting those fish into gold by spinning them on an old fashioned spinning wheel.
It works in the fairy tales. And though they don't mention the tremendous mess putting fish on to a spinning wheel makes, surely there's something to them.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will get a very fuzzy, unfocused picture on Wednesday. Must have been low field of depth.
Also, you will find, at the end of Saturday (or perhaps Sunday), that you still have all your fingers and toes.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will get a delivery this week.
Don't worry, don't worry, it's not that. Not just yet, anyway. This delivery is different. And it is entirely possible it may be forgotten by the purported deliverer, so the delivery may be less exciting than you might think.
Aries March 21 - April 19
TAKE CHARGE!
I'm saying that with capital letters in the hope that you'll listen this time 'round.
If not, maybe next week we'll try all lowercase.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Rabid dogs couldn't tear you away from the task at hand this week.
And you will find that out first hand.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have .7% less than nothing of a horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Welcome to Massachusetts.
Population before this week: a lot. Or enough, anyway.
Population after this week: More. Considering all the Sagittarii who've just moved in.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Remember, some decisions were made for reasons other than fun and games.
Apparently, those decisions were made to provide maximum pain in the a**edom, if that is, indeed, a state. Or thing a decision can provide. Which I'm pretty sure it is.
Have a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, maybe a Munchkin or two, and tickle someone short.
[Horoscopes. It's nearly baseball season!]