The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
When faced with a choice, pick what the person in front of you just got.
Failing a person in front of you, pose as a roving reporter on the street and ask people what they would do in your "hypothetical" situation.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are about to embark upon a long, long journey...
With gas prices the way they are, hopefully it will be a metaphorical journey. Or at least one you can make by taking public transport.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A splash of colour will make tremendous differences this week.
Someone without a degree from an accredited institution will annoy you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will sell two more paintings this week.
You might want to think about painting more.
Or becoming an international art thief.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The turtle is not a mythical creature.
Choose peas over asparagus this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Don't trust the vicar this week.
Two times three is not seventeen.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be a shining example to someone else this week.
It may be your shiney spacesuit... or did you have dental work done?
Aries March 21 - April 19
Remember the five rules you always tried to keep sacred and live by this week.
Number four, contrary to your memory of it, does not involve gerbils.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Do not underestimate the power of letting a frazzled parent (plus screaming child) ahead of you in line at the supermarket.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No. Thing. At. All.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be forced to make a big decision this week.
It involves your shoes and that's your only hint.
Okay, okay, it also involves Christina Aguilera. And trees. And a mop. And seven midgets (not dwarves). And a harmonica.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Good ideas come to those who wait.
Like, umm...
[Horoscopes. Won't someone save Boston! (home of Sane Magazine, these days)]