Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week, like in days of old, Apollo, disguised as a goat, sleeps with your best friend, gets her pregnant, and thens runs off, while your friend suffers the bearing of the child in a cave somewhere, eventually leaving it to fend for itself. It won't be until years later that they're all reunited at the Oracle of Delphi, but you can look brilliant by prophesying the whole thing this week!
Leo July 23 - August 22
Envelopes are the wave of the future!
Keeping that in mind, invest in lots and lots of property very far from where you are now, so you have to mail lots of letters.
And perhaps one of those sponges to put beside where you close all the letters, so your mouth doesn't get all dry.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Be creative with your spare time and try to teach an old dog new tricks.
An especially popular trick these days seems to be checking your email, so give your dog a computer and see if you can't disprove yet another old saying.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Go forth and be proper!
You would not believe how the first, typo-strewn version of that horoscope read.
If you are a celebrity, you need to get yourself back out and on the scene. Go see a play, slap a waiter, kick a small child that had stumbled in your path. If you don't do it, someone may just beat you to it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You spend your week wondering just what was on Krapp's first tape.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Wondering where the wild things are?
Well, you'll be sorry you had been, and so will they, as you get devoured by one this week, and it gets indigestion from mass-ingesting the world's population of Cancers.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Quite frighteningly like Hamlet's da's ghost, a spectre will appear in a nearby desk this week.
This is either a symptom that you are working too hard, or, when the ghost, very much unlike Hamlet's da's ghost, berates you for coming in late yet again and then tells some awful joke about chickens, it means that you're misremembering the whole Hamlet story.
Aries March 21 - April 19
We've got people now, yo, to, like, speak your language, because we were told we were a bit, yeh know, out of touch with your style, man. So your week will be decidedly more hip and groovin'.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Watch out for that comet!
Ha ha, just kidding. It isn't often we indulge the incredible temptation that the power of the horoscope writer wields, but there are some days you just can't resist. You will have a week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Oh boy, we're sure you've been on pins and needles (hopefully not literally) awaiting the International Board of Fidgeting and Horoscopal Integrity's decision on your horoscope.
And you know what? They decided to take a long lunch Tuesday last, and haven't come back as of yet.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
No matter how nice they may seem, do not even stoop so low as to talk to any Turkish guy that happens to approach you this week. You're probably safe communicating with him with subtle movement of your eyebrows and occasionally wiggling your thumb at him, but any more than that will just encourage him.
And he'll try selling you a long discontinued only on television product.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week you will have to wrestle a Turkish guy for some reason or another. If, at any point, you find yourself wrestling a big Turkish guy, know that you're probably going to get something out of the outcome, if you should win, be it a new job, some woman, or a delightful set of dishware.
[Horoscopes. we're looking ahead to going forward.]
