The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Beefed up security around your house will lead to an expected run-in with an old friend.
Don't spit into the wind on Tuesday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The lion sleeps fitfully in rain storms.
Don't buy the thing you think you want to buy on Thursday.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Only the twitchy widget catches dust.
Remember to bring sunglasses on Friday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A stitch in space saves seven, which throws a spanner in the works for the formerly easy calculation of value between location, location, location, and time, time, time.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
ICE SKATING!
That's all we've got for you this week. Oddly enough, you will claim later, at a party, when you're asked, that this is the most satisfying horoscope you've had in ages.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will beat that cold, you will beat it good.
Instead of getting sick you will attain the miraculous power to make cheesburgers out of avocado pits and hubcaps.
No one quite wants to eat one, though, if they've seen the miracle in action. Go figure.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Teach a man to hunt bear, and he'll probably wind up giving a lot of rugs as birthday presents.
With this in mind, and your approaching birthday, I wouldn't go teaching anyone to hunt bear.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Like water for chocolate, you will be on the bad end of a trade this week.
Please oh please let you not be Theo Epstein. Or Peter Chiarelli. Or Martin Jol.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Lose not, want not.
If every note (monetary note, that is) you had was chocolate, you would probably be a bit sick of chocolate by the end of the week.
And broke. Because you'd have eaten all your money.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nothing plus nothing is three. In advanced maths.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Fish and chips.
This cryptic message will be scrawled on your front door this week.
Perhaps the local supermarket has started a collection agency because their home delivery service just doesn't seem to be working out.
Any which way, I'd leave a plate of fish and chips out, just in case.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This is depressingly ordinary week for you.
You fail to fly, even once, even a little bit.
[Horoscopes. Wow. That's all I have to say. Just. Wow.]