The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Someone will pressure you this week.
Unfortunately for them, they will not have realised that you do not respond well to pressure this week.
Have cleaning products handy, though, in case they apply the pressure in your own house.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It will all get better soon.
This may mean you'll get all your teeth in, or it may mean there was an egregious accounting error in a recent sporting event, and your team will rightly have won, despite the final score.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Ask not for whom the doorbell rings, because you'll look silly.
And it will turn out to be for you, anyway, and you'll just be stuck there at the door with a sheepish grin on your face.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
One small decision could alter the course of your life.
One such decision may just face you on Tuesday.
Unfortunately, there will be a number of small decisions on Tuesday, and, no matter which one you pick, it'll have been the wrong one. This will become apparent on Saturday.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A skate manufacturer, taking a cue from razor blade makers, will attempt to sell you a five-bladed ice skate this week.
The ice rink owners, however, will probably try and stop you... and if you try them out on a local pond there's a really good chance you'll be swimming more than skating.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You'd better be preparing for bed right now.
You will need your sleep this week.
Also, don't forget to dress warmly for this weekend. I hear there are going to be lemurs.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be doing something this weekend.
I can't tell you what, because I have no clue what it is.
Well, no clue save this: It may involve a lemur.
Aries March 21 - April 19
"Arm yourself against disappointment, and you can only be pleasantly surprised." This is what your crazy uncle used to say to you.
But this is an excellent week to try his advice.
Only thing is, expect to be disappointed, nonetheless. After all, he is your crazy uncle for a reason.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A small bookkeeping error will give you an extra day this week.
Don't ask wherefore your extra day hath come, just enjoy it.
Maybe by sleeping the entire day and not feeling guilty at all about it.
Or by gorging yourself on chocolate and pineapple.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You seem to be missing a day this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Not to be indelicate, but things will... smell, near you, this week.
Now, I'm not saying it's you, but it's suspicious that it seems to follow wherever you go...
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Prep for the week:
[Horoscopes. Get throwin'.]