The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The cream pie hitting you in the face will not be the greatest way to start the new year.
Alas, those will be the cards you're dealt for 2007.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be far too preoccupied with cows to read your horoscope this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Note that Leos are not, suddenly, the France of the Zodiac sign, and they will not be occupied by cows, but preoccupied by them.
Like the calm before a cow storm.
Buy an extra sturdy umbrella this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Happy New Year! Will It Ever End!
Why Is Everyone In Your House Shouting!
Good Luck With That Ringing In Your Ears!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
They say it's your birthday, nah nah nah nah NAH!
Well, actually, if they do, they're lying. You need to wait another week, young 'un. If you'd been born on time, your Mom might tell you, it might be another story...
Cancer June 21 - July 22
A new year, a new beginning.
Sadly (?), the new beginning looks like the old beginning of 2006.
Only you're in Hawai'i, living as a professional surfing instructor and dreadlocks down to your knees.
Which may be slightly different.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A light sugary coating would be nice on just about any meal you could cook this week.
Just a horoscopal cooking tip.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Oh, it turns out you were possessed by the ghost of Sir Lawrence of Arabia last week.
You'd know more about how that went if you'd ever watched the entire film.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Yes, every single cheque you write this week will be dated wrong.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
A new year! A new beginning!
Just not for you. You've got the same old, same old.
Which is to say, nothing.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't have any open flames around on Wednesday.
Some gases that are extremely combustible are also incredibly difficult to detect with the six senses.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Okay, time to start over.
You get one giant Mulligan for last year.
Maybe.
Umm.
Listen, just don't screw this one up, okay?
[Horoscopes. Something new(ish) that's usually reasonably funny. (Now there's a ringing endorsment for you.)]