The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Take a long, hard look in the mirror this week.
Just don't play the no blinking game.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A fresh start is needed, but perhaps that's a little too big a step this week for you.
Start with a fresh side salad, and see how you go from there.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Life will resemble a game of Twister (tm) this week.
Whether it's the colourful dotted mat or the spinny wheel is possibly up to you.
Or Franco, the odd guy that's been hanging outside your house all week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Be prepared for yet another home invasion by tiny little loud Americans at the start of next week.
Start stockpiling potato waffles this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your shoes will get rave reviews this week.
So try and get the biggest shoes possible, because those'll be the bright spots for you this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your appeal is on serious high voltage this week!
I'm not sure what this means. I read it in a fashion magazine and figured it would apply to a smokin' sexy Cancer like you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Accomplish a lot this week.
If you're cheating, and trying easy goals to accomplish, don't pick stamp collecting, because it will be difficult this week for political reasons.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be engaged in a wrestling match to the death with a gerbil, of all things, this week.
You will be surprised at how difficult it is to pin their tiny little arms for a three count.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Feel empowered this week.
Try and use renewable energy for that, though.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A small fire will destroy an ill-advised hat this week.
Though you will not have experienced the horror of others at this hat, you should wear a smile, for the pain and anguish saved by that tiny fire.
The fact that 50 pounds and a half dozen eggs were also lost in the fire is just a fact of life.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It will get better.
Like, for instance, on Thursday, you will get a little piece of chocolate.
[Horoscopes. A couple or five spy novels for your holiday gift giving.]