The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is going to sound strange, but you're going to have a good week.
And the only gravy involved will be metaphorical gravy.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will walk free, on your own this week.
For some of you Leos, this will mean a foray into some path less traveled. For others, it will literally mean taking your first steps without the aid of someone or something else.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It's Beat Up a Boston Sportswriter week!
As a Virgo, it's your duty to kick them in the shins, and tell them to stop making themselves part of the story: readers don't care about them.
Oh, and Mongol hordes will invade your house on Sunday, which will make your open house slightly awkward. And cramped.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Be very careful with what you say this week.
For some reason, your words this week will determine foreign policy for the United States this week.
Some may say things seem slightly better off in the world this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Keep control of your temper this week, and it will bring you great rewards.
Like a new bicycle.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will enjoy a week of being waited on, hand and foot.
Some may say this is a bribe, so that, should you be spending a week away next week (by the way, the stars say you are, in a first ever, two-week-out prediction), you will be inclined to return at the end of it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't be shy this week, when someone asks you to jump up on stage and sing a tune.
It shouldn't be shyness, though, that prevents you from doing it, but self-preservation because, in their haste to get Piscians up on stage singing, they haven't bothered fastening the stage properly to the supports.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't be afraid to cry this week.
Do be afraid to laugh.
You have a slight stomach pull that will only get worse, a lot worse, if you laugh too much.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You give, give, give. So if I could ask for a fifty, I'd appreciate it.
I'll pay you back.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Those blue shorts would look better on someone with a horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
All that singing, that's been going on since Halloween, has finally gotten to you, and you wind up flipping out, and kicking a stuffed snowman on Thursday.
No one, except for us, right now, has ever told you that those snowmen usually have leaden weights at their core.
If you don't read this in time, you'll find out the hard way.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'd better be waiting on someone hand and foot this week, otherwise they may not be back again.
Start with one of those apple pies, Tuesday.
[Horoscopes. This is frighteningly similar to what the Sane offices are like.]