Taurus April 20 - May 20
Beware the ides of August! Which have passed, apparently, and really have no pressing social significance, so carry on then.
Unless you were eating a tremendous amount of prunes, you might want to give that a rest, or suffer the consequences later.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have an inexpressible urge to strangle a co-worker or passing acquaintance this week. We suggest expressing it by first saying something along the lines of: "Please pass the cheese," and then strangling them.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Directions: Open one packet, stir plentifully, lick the spoon, and toss the whole lot in the oven.
Your week will include a guest appearance by Olympia Dukakis.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
An oasis in the middle of a chaotic world is what your friends call you.
You just pass a bill restricting the amount of umbrellas they're allowed to set up on your lawn.
If you are a celebrity, you will read a wonderful book that absolutely changes your life, and when you tell Oral Roberts this he asks you if he can have the publisher put your comments on the back cover.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Oh, excuse me, just err... oh, sorry, didn't mean to poke you there, looking for the... just need... you haven't seen, no, of course not... loo, somewhere around here...
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Nreeeow, nreee-eeeow, nr, nr, nr-ow!
This week's horoscope brought to you by some guy pretending to be playing air guitar and making the air guitar noises with his mouth.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
When I met her, she was, granted, a waitress.
This week you will likely meet a waitress just like her, in that she's taking your order at a restaurant. I recommend not making any comment about her hair, as, in my experience and from what the stars tell me, you'll be stabbed rather cruelly with her pen if you do.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week, in part two of our book reading recommendations, we suggest you not read Swinburne while you're eating either.
He's just fairly boring.
Libra September 23 - October 22
God coffee, I miss you.
Ten pounds to the first one of you whom has that figured out.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The International Board of Horoscope People met Thursday last and gave us a quick call, reminding us that we really weren't authorised to begin giving you a horoscope again, as apparently you'd had too many good ones in the past, and you may just have to be stricken from the record. And horoscope sheet.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Have you ever noticed how closely Kinko's name resembles kinky?
Now that's good market, let me tell you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're going places this week, oh yes you are.
Unless you choose to sit in your room all week again with that Swedish model that's been in all the local massage parlour adverts lately.
[Horoscopes. though it was nice it drove me quite a bit mad.]
