The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Do not hold that burp you're going to have on Tuesday in for politeness' sake.
The damage to your internal organs isn't worth it. If you're that concerned with politeness, maybe it's best you stay in that day.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will, at some point, go to sleep on Monday night. Even if it happens in the next day, early (or not so early) morning.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week is all about the bling for you...
Time to break out all those gold chains you've had in storage for years!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is a week for secrets getting out, like so many cats out of many bags. Or one bag. A sack full of secret cats.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't be so down on yourself.
Give yourself a gold star on Wednesday, just for tying at least one of two shoes correctly, even if you didn't, really. Maybe you should invest in Velcro(tm) shoes, though.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I promise you, it will all get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I will say that May 23rd, 2007 will be a great day!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Sure, you know, by now, that money can't buy happiness... but do you, for sure, that Munchkins can't fatten happiness up so much that it can't fit through the door any longer?
It's worth finding out, in my books.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will spout a considerable amount of indelicate language on Thursday when you lock your keys in your car.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will really, really, really succeed in business endeavours this week.
I don't know how this works if you're unemployed.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nice pants. You still have no horoscope, though.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will have so much energy this week that you will nearly explode with your pent-up energy!
Perfect levels for trying to read in a mosh pit, in fact, if you ever wanted to try that.
Umm, just warning you, I may have been a bit dizzy while reading your horoscope.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Party, party, party!
Maybe you should pace yourself.
Or buy a time machine.
[Horoscopes. Did I fail or what?]