The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Have pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner on Friday. It'll feel good, trust me.
Maybe not on Saturday, but at least you'll be able to say you've done it.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A burp is as good as a wink.
For what I don't know. Spend some time thinking about that, though.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Some wise old sages said, "Don't. Stop. Thinkin'. About tomorrow. Don't. Stop. It'll soon be here."
Don't take that to heart, though. Spend some time thinking about cheesecake on Thursday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The stars have aligned for you this week!
Quick, find that little figurine in the upstairs bathroom (there, we've done the bulk of the work for you), and get it to one of those antique road shows!
You're going to be rich rich rich!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Live a little less frivolously this week.
This doesn't mean you should skimp on the amount of lacey fringed stuff you're wearing, though. By no means.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Be strong this week. And by be strong, I mean that someone may whip your butt at Scrabble, and you should put on a brave face and not cry.
Also, Friday will be a nice day.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Sniveling will get you everywhere this week, you'll find.
Just not Biarritz. Which is a shame, because we've heard it's nice, and had been practising our sniveling, ourselves, in case it did get us there this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will laugh at something so hard this week that milk will squirt out your nose.
So if you don't want to get some really weird looks from friends, I would highly recommend having a glass of milk on hand at all times.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You are a textbook example of the word "fortitudinous" this week.
As in, "It was only by fortitudinous effort that the valiant Libra was able to continue through the entirety of The Merchant of Venice, with Al Pacino as tree-tow-sand ducats Shylock."
Which is exactly what you will have done this week. Good on you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Look. Here's the deal. You. Have. No. Horoscope.
Not even a hint of one. I gave it a little thought today, and absolutely nothing came up... so. There you have it. Feel free to go about your week, then. Check back next week, though...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't blame the messenger. Blame his pal, Bill, who made him take that detour.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You have a dream. And that dream is simple: baby surf camp.
It will be a back-to-basics week for you, and don't forget to tip the guy that carries the surfboards.
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