The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Treat yourself like a princess this week.
Because no one else is going to do it.
And you find that document in the attic that hints that certain inbred German-English-Spanish-French people are your ancestors. Go figure.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Measure your words this week.
Count the number of steps it takes to get up all the stairs you take that day.
You'll be surprised at the result.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
When they tell you not to touch the dial this week, they really, really mean it.
Most televisions have been fitted with electrodes that'll shock you if you do. And it's only now that shows and television networks are starting to use them properly.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The best way to stop your house from feeling too empty is to send frozen potato waffles to America. And come on over, yourself, as well.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Get on a low horse this week, there's less chance of hurting yourself if you fall.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Nice boots.
I don't know why, but you will look especially lovely on Thursday this week. And Friday. And Saturday. And Sunday.
Right at this exact second, in fact, you look very beautiful.
Be your own boss and dock your pay on Wednesday, only to give yourself comp time and a bonus for hitting sales targets on Friday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Like the invention of the wheel, you will invent pizza this week, which is, coincidentally, shaped like a wheel.
It is also, coincidentally, already invented. But you won't find this out until next week. And we'll tell you what happens, but not until then.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Get yourself a rake and get on over to the Sane Magazine offices!
Our first autumn back in New England has caught us unawares and un-a-rake.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Invest all your emotional energy in some random stranger this week.
This will make for great reality television, if you happen to be followed by cameras everywhere you go, and will just kill during a sweeps week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No horoscope for you, and you should really, really, thank your lucky stars for that.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
All the sandwiches you make this week will be really flat. I have no idea why that is, it seems to be the placement of Saturn in your sign this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A ferret named Raul will be your guide this week.
This will be in direct contradiction of our advice, right here and now, to follow your own heart this week.
But we knew you wouldn't follow it, so we don't mind all that much.
[Horoscopes. Why not? Or you can help schoolkids... helping is always a good idea, either way.]