The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your dog will tackle a runaway purse snatcher and drag him back to your home in the middle of the week.
If you don't have a dog, well, that's someone's dog, anyway.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will feel slightly unsettled this week, as the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...
You know the rest.
Hey, the moon is an astrological figure.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Peel your grapes this week.
It'll be a nice treat, and let people know that you are willing to spend the time on your food.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
So your home has been invaded this week.
There is no escaping, you'll just have to barricade your door.
I also recommend buying ear plugs.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Shine up your shoes this week, it's a time for dancing!
This doesn't mean you'll be any better dancer than normal, it just means you'll dance a lot this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Don't despair. It will all get better.
Eventually.
One would hope.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Wake up and smell the coffee and munchkins, it's time to get a new watch!
What, you thought maybe there'd be something more... substantive to do?
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't look left when crossing the street this week.
[NB. Sane Magazine and its staff are not responsible for the actions of the Aries horoscope user. We just read 'em like they are.]
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be especially aware of your surroundings this week.
This is a subtle way of saying you'll have put on weight this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I really, really wish I had something for you. Really, this week, I mean it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Eat two hamburgers this week, at odd hours (5am, 11:15pm count as odd hours).
You'll be amazed at the consequences.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
Sometimes the reaction is carrying a knife, though, which makes it slightly more equal than the original action.
[Horoscopes. Well that's cool.]