The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Buy those steel-toed boots you've been eyeing this week.
Not to wear, but the implicit threat in a pair of steel-toed boots left judiciously around your home will help keep suitors in line.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do for Sane Magazine. We're nice people, after all.
And you need all the good karma you can get this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Jelly beans are a valid vegetable serving this week, and this week only, for you Virgoans.
Don't say we never did anything for you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you don't have the red carpet and rose petals by now, frankly, I don't know how you'll pull this one out.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have incredibly smelly feet this week. Keep that in mind when planning outings that may involve taking your shoes off.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will wake up on Saturday, and it will all have turned out to be a dream!
Unfortunately (?), you will also turn out to be a lemur in Franklin Zoo. On the up side, the leafy greens are nice.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Perseverance will pay off this week, finally.
So that lump of... something, sitting on the kitchen floor that you've been poking with a fork for weeks on end now will finally get sick of being poked and up stakes.
Unfortunately for you, it will only move to the bedroom, which it assumes is out of line of readily accessible forks.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The worst part of this week will be the giant tulip you receive on Thursday.
It'll be the worst because the tag of this puppy, handily blocking your exit from your home, will be signed, "Your friends from the mob, whom you forgot to pay this week." Oops.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Beat a dead horse this week.
Just make sure you have Vaporub under your nose or some other olfactory filter in place to avoid the awful smell it'll give off.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Guess what!?
Oh, wait, nothing. You still have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't believe the hype, and don't believe that guy Daniel.
He's just one pack of lies after the other.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
"Fish, and ye shall fish the world."
So said a wise man, once.
He was drunk, though, having gone on a bender after being out fishing for a week and catching nothing.
[Horoscopes. What's going on in Marblehead...]