The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be the ball.
If you're playing golf, this advice will come in handy.
If you're not... well, apply how you see fit.
Leo July 23 - August 22
I hope you're sitting down, for what I'm about to reveal about your week.
Sitting?
You sure?
Good.
Umm. Oh, damn, I've forgotten what it was, now.
Oh well, I suppose you can get up now. Or, if you're comfortable, you can just keep sitting.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
To whatever you're cooking on Thursday you should add an extra pinch of salt.
Oh, and keep the shotgun close by the cooking range.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
There is a lot of prep work to be done.
This would be a good week to buy the red carpet.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Life is like an open road to you.
Just make sure you have the life equivalent of AAA.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Life is work. Hard work.
Life is also like a bowl of hard working cherries.
Of course, when one of those works too hard you wind up with squished cherry all over the place. So if you're a cherry, metaphorical or otherwise, don't work too hard.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
If this week were a smell, for you, personally, it would be tangerine.
If it were a fruit, it would also be a tangerine.
This is a lot more rare occurrence than you might think.
Aries March 21 - April 19
That fishy smell from the locker in your mudroom should not be investigated. Not for any nefarious reason like it actually harbours an axe-wielding murderer.
But the fillet of fish that fell into there a couple weeks back might be the impetus you needed to move house.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't worry about what other people think this week.
If you're a solipsist you don't know that they don't actually exist outside of your own imagination, anyway, so just make them think something different about you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
*** nil ***
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't forget to tie your shoelaces.
Failing that, make sure you wear your Zips, which don't require tied laces for maximum effectiveness.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will approach a state of Zen-like calm on Friday.
And then... begins the Weeding.
[Horoscopes. I'm suprised we didn't get co-branding here, too. Go and pick out some kids you want to help.]