Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars are in your favour this week, if only because one of them dropped by with that package of chocolate chip cookies last week. Which meant that you were in their favour last week, though we won't pry as to just why you were.
We suggest sending them a thank-you card, to keep both sides favourably apprised. Or you can enjoy the moment, not write the card, and suffer the consequences, be they what they may.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This is the last week of your sign's trip through the ole birthday calendar cycle thing.
Enjoy it with a nice stroll along the Danube. Or a waltz. Either way.
Oh, and be sure to take pictures, because that whingey friend of yours is bound to whinge that you didn't take enough pictures again.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You find fame and glory hiding behind the sink, cowering.
It seems they got beat up by a bunch of neighbourhood toughs last week. You could probably coax it out with a nice plate of pasta or something.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Bingo! Your life-long dream of winning the local bingo tournament comes true this week!
You attribute it to years and years of practice, and refusing to learn to spell any other word save that precious, precious B-I-N-G-O.
If you are a celebrity, you will have a riotous time convincing your own doorman you are who you say you are, until you realise you're pandering at the wrong door yet again. The doorman will understand like the people in the Mentos adverts.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Luckily for you, the brewing company downstairs was forced to close, on the grounds that their product tasted horrible. For now, the downstairs flat lies empty, save the remaining beer vats that no one seems to want.
You consider moving to a nicer neighbourhood.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
We here at sanemagazine are going to apologise this week for last week's daft apology for poking fun of that book with the quotations of all the famous people.
In honour of this new apology, we would like to offer a quote from Emerson on the merits of quotation, "Wish thee not better thy ears done fall off."
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Cheese-filled hotdogs must be the greatest invention since those shoes that have little blinking lights in their soles that blink. All the time.
And not just because cheese-filled hotdogs have cheese in them all the time, either. What better social service could be provided than putting two food groups into one food! None, that we can see.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week, I recommend not reading Wittgenstein on a full stomach, as the last person to try that doubted the entire time he was actually full and just blew up at the end of it all. Which was very awkward, to say the least.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Escape to Vienna this week!
If you happen to be a Libra residing in Vienna, your default escape location is Trenton, NJ, USA. This should make all of you non-Vienna resident Libras feel much, much better about having to dish out the money on a trip to Vienna.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Happenstance is also stranger than fiction, coming as it does mostly on Thursday, when it's raining slightly.
Watch out for hippos, they aren't nice when you mess with their young. I saw that on a nature special.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week sees a whole lot of shakin' goin' on. It may have something to do with the mysterious disappearance of the letter 'g' at the end of words.
Whether you care or not is up to you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week will find you searching for the Lost Township of Atlantis.
This coming after you find the Little Paper Cup of Eternal Youth. And yes, that was a lemon sitting in it.
[Horoscopes. beach blanket bingo.]
