The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be especially careful around the hands-on portions of the aquarium this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be careful of squid... not necessarily giant ones, but the tiny ones, the ones that can sneak up on you easily.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will pay a surprise visit to the Wipes Museum on Wednesday.
The visit will largely just to prove to you that one exists.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Be careful of people bearing gifts this week.
One of the gifts will go rotten after a few days, so be sure to refrigerate most, if not all of them. And that's what I mean by be wary.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
BOO!
It's not Halloween, but what's the use in waiting until then to surprise you when you'll be expecting it?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will not look over the horoscope writer's shoulder this week.
Even if you do, you still look very cute . I like what you've done with your hair today.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you find yourself on a deserted road in the middle of the night and have to camp out in a field in the middle of nowhere, and suddenly a foul smell starts wafting across the cool night air, I would highly recommend you don't follow it.
Aries March 21 - April 19
If you thought you were smart last week, wait until this week.
If you were the type to always look on the bright side and at least count the blessing that at least things could always get worse, well, at least in the sense that the thing you do on Thursday is the stupidest thing you'll ever do, there is no dumber moment in your life.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will find a unique and useful use for a boat oar that involves neither a boat nor water this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Like the wise man said to the elephant with larger than normal ears: No horoscope for you!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
No one counts on the little gimpy frog coming in first in the frog-jumping contest.
Whether this is an analogy for you sitiuation or you're actually about to enter a frog-jumping contest (well, not you, but maybe you entered a frog, as, so far as I know, humans are not allowed in frog-jumping competitions, until they get rid of certain pesky regulations), I don't know.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't go into any wax museums in rural areas.
[Horoscopes. This is what happened to our founder.]