The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Let the right job find you.
Wear a distinctive shirt, so the right job won't get you confused with someone else.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be emboldened by recent successes and slam a pie right in someone's face.
I may mean this metaphorically.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Some monkey will have an undue amount of say in the events in your daily life this week.
Unfortunately, this monkey has access to a television station.
Your only hope is that the monkey's limited and stilted vocabulary will not make him understood by a lot of people.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Be on guard against false friends this week.
Unless, like that fake book on your bookshelf, you've taken to storing valuables and money inside them.
If this is the case, don't lose track of them.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be all you can be this week.
Just make sure you leave room for dessert.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
For some reason, you will continue to impersonate a personal trainer this week.
Or at least what you imagine a personal trainer is like, if they're extremely pissed off with their client and want to make them suffer much, much pain.
You will do it while looking very, very cute, though. Which might mitigate the pain, somewhat.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Prepare yourself for challenges untold this week!
Like a peanut-throwing competition!
Work on those peanut-throwing muscles!
Aries March 21 - April 19
Bruce Willis will appear to you, in a dream.
Follow his advice, unless it's parenting tips.
It's not that he's a bad parent, it's just not going to be great advice.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be very, very, very wary of falling rocks.
This week. Friday, if you want to focus.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Look at it this way: At least you're not a lily livered cowpat.
You just have no horoscope.
That at least places you somewhere... who knows what a lily livered cowpat is, anyway?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
CHICKEN BUTT!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't quit your day job...
Or maybe that would help...
[Horoscopes. Always time for a little good old fashioned hyperfiction dissection...]