The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Rubbing stinky feet in someone's face will not get you far.
But you're going to have a heck of a lot of fun doing it.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week is the week you're allowed to burn one bridge, and one bridge only.
Just check to make sure you're not on it.
You can do this by looking down. Or by asking the person holding the torch.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Okay, so the start of this week hasn't been so great.
But you'll get the chance to try and help out by week's end when the Red Sox ring you up and ask if you've ever pitched before.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A little bit of cheek and a little bit of money will be the ticket to life on Easy Street.
Unfortunately, it's only the tour bus. So by 'life' we mean brief day trip around Easy Street.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A deep dark secret of yours will be exposed this week... either that or your laundry will get whipped off the line on Thursday and into the neighbour's yards.
Sometimes these stars can be tough to read.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Okay, this week, I swear, get your runners on!
Also, some short bald guy is going to talk a load of rubbish this week, and occasionally laugh.
Give him some ice cream and he'll keep quiet.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't get involved is the keyword this week.
Words.
Because that's more than one word.
Just have a Munchkin or two.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will get blamed for something you didn't do...
Just wear a bullet proof vest and don't have too many martinis and you'll probably be fine, unless you leave your keys on the inside pocket of the vest and fall down. But then it'll only be minor bruising.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A long walk will the tonic your love life needs this week.
Of course, you may have to do other stuff on the walk, like talk, or punch, or arm wrestle, but the walk will be at the core.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Blurp! Nuffink this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Sally may sell sea shells by the sea shore, but Bob and his monkey Phillipe don't know what time it is in the fields.
This phrase may or may not serve you well with the odd stranger you bump into on Wednesday.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
What the hell did you do in that former life, anyway?
At any rate, you must have stepped on a bug that was once the Prime Minister of Xanadu or something... because someone's not happy.
[Horoscopes. LIke Tetris, only healthy, like.]