The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Sit still this week, contemplate things.
Dwell most on chocolate and feathers. We'll explain why next week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
We're late, and unfortunately you'll suffer for it.
On Monday, you should have looked under that tree out in the yard... someone left 4 million pounds underneath it.
If you did look under the tree, well, maybe you don't need horoscopes, after all.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your theme this week will be the Jiffy Peanut Butter song from the 80s.
Buy futures in pig feet.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is a magical time for you.
That still won't be a great consolation, though, because the guy with the saw, threatening to cut you in half ("but it'll be okay," he says) won't leave you be.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be the bigger person this week, when someone kicks you in the knee out of the blue.
Hire someone else to rig an industrial accident involving the offending party and send them flowers in the hospital.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
It will get better.
Maybe not this week, maybe not the next, but at some point really soon, it will get better.
If things do not get better after three weeks, drink that thing in the fridge that's got pink liquid in it.
Recent studies show dreams of cotton candy buildings and cool (ish), sunny days by the beach are induced shortly after intake.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Do the pushing this week, don't be pushed, yourself.
Just wear gloves, some people you need to push will be not so clean.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Act as if it were your last week on Earth this week.
Umm. That's not a hint.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Smear a lot more food than you normally would with garlic butter this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No. Just no.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Pass the Chardonnay and I don't want to catch you licking the bottle like last time.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't give up yet.
Direction will come from unexpected sources this week.
Don't hog all the pink substance in the fridge, if you decide to drink some this week, someone else will need it, too.
[Horoscopes. There's still nothing stopping you from buying this book.]