The Horoscopes
Happy birthday to you!
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't step on bugs this week.
In a bizarre time-space paradox, one you step on (if you do) will turn out to be you, in a future life.
It'll be interesting to note that time and space won't collapse into themselves, you'll only feel slightly queasy.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You should make sure you count your blessings this week.
If you can't count, get someone taller to do it for you.
Make sure they include your toothy grin on that list.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
An opportunity too good to pass up will present itself this week.
It was not wholly due to the lucky pair of socks you were wearing on Tuesday.
If you didn't know those socks were lucky, well, fish them out of the laundry basket, as papa's got a new pair of lucky socks!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Yea, though you might not know it, you are walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Bob this week, which is near, but not too near, the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
I only mention this because a few of the astrological bodies are trying to get into the GPS navigational systems business.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will see a family of giraffes on Sunday.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will look radiant like the most beautiful radiator you've ever seen this week.
I can only imagine this simile won't go down too well in the dog days of summer, but trust me, if you think about it, it's really a touching and thoughtful one.
Much better than the old retread "You are like a rose." When a good radiator will last a heck of a lot longer than a rose.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars thank you for the munchkins.
In return, anything you touch this week will get a delightful chocolate glazed coating.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The lowliest of fishermen will be your friend this week.
While this sounds lovely and Biblical, it will mean you have no other friends this week because, and we're not being mean, the lowliest of fishermen kind of stink.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Draw the line at pies in the face when you become a clown for a week.
It won't be a conscious choice, the circus has just gotten a lot bolder about setting up tent, and their old spot in town has had a new parking garage built upon it, and they've chosen your house's yard as the new spot for them.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Maybe you're lucky, not having a horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Talk tough turkey this week.
Just expect to see life through a haze of cigar smoke, smokin' gams that wouldn't quit, and whiskey.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Even Sisyphus got a holiday.
Oh, wait, he didn't.
No holiday for you this week, either.
[Horoscopes. Boink! Boink!]