The Horoscopes
Keepin' Track
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your rest is important this week.
Therefore, though the toy monkey with the cymbals looks interesting, I would not buy the one you see in the thrift shoppe on Tuesday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will reach a major milestone this week.
Who knew you could fit that many marshmallows in your mouth?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Here's a return to your Virgoian roots:
Eat cheese this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Spend less time on monetary matters this week and focus on finger painting.
Because you, as a Gemini, can't do both.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be very, very careful around that crocodile on Tuesday.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
If someone gave you some crappy walkie talkies I would ask them to replace them for you.
You will look exceptionally beautiful this week, you just can't help it.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
"Life is like a cupcake" will be your new philosophy on life this week.
Enjoy it while it lasts, next week's philosophy is not as tasty.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Tiptoe around big issues this week like a mouse with helium balloons strapped to his back and special shoes with air-cushioned soles walking on the moon would.
It helps to envision this simile each time a big issue comes up.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Live life in the moment this week and the fact that you are slowly approaching financial ruin won't be as apparent.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
"NHN"
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your faith in mankind will be tested when you are kidnapped by fish-like aliens who try to convince you that humans are simply a myth, and that you are actually a small fish-like alien who is dreaming they're human.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will receive a callback to "Annie" auditions this week. Which is weird, since you've not auditioned for "Annie" before.
Give it a shot. Who knows where it might lead?
[Horoscopes. You, too, can be a famous footballer!]