The Horoscopes
Girl, get your makeup on
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be careful what you put in your mouth this week.
With all the rain, it's almost a nine out of ten chance it'll be a worm, since nine tenths of the Earth's surface is covered in them right now.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Refuse to back down in a challenge this week.
It may result in your untimely demise, but at least you'll have stuck to your guns.
You may begin to have the sneaking suspicion that George W Bush is a closet Leo.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This is an excellent week for friends and family.
It is not a great week for stink beetles, though. So put those away for the time being.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your patronage at your local market will be sorely missed this week when boars, wild ones, keep you homebound.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your suffering will not be for naught this week.
By the end of next week, with your frequent suffering miles, you'll be eligible for a trip to New Jersey.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
As our good friends over at Cosmomag.com say, "Scout out hard-bodies during a volleyball game."
Sometimes I've just gotta defer to them, really.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Lots of people will offer you advice this week.
Here's my (and the stars') recommendation:
Pretend like you can't hear too well, and get them to lean in real close to dispense their advice...
And when they get in close enough, spit out the grape juice you've got in your mouth all over them!
Oh, and step 1, make sure you've got grape juice in your mouth.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A Gemini will mistake you for a wild boar when you go rooting around their doorstep for yams.
And the worst part of it all is you don't find any yams.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Oh man. Who knew that turpentine was flammable?
Okay, so a lot of people did, including those people who put the flammable label on the bottle.
But who knew it was that flammable?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
3... 2... 1...
...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Something is going to seem slightly out of place for you all week.
Instead of running around, trying to figure out what it is, simply go with the flow.
This will come into play interestingly on Thursday, when the thing missing turns out to be a paddle, and you have no choice but to go with the flow.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Keep your eyes on the prize.
Wednesday, you will get in a minor traffic accident for failing to keep your eyes on the road.
You made a really stupid decision a couple months ago.
Oh, that wasn't a prediction, that was just reminding you.
[Horoscopes. Good (and short) column from Chad Finn this week.]