The Horoscopes
Hey now, hey nonny hey.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
That sinking pit in your stomach will be the first recorded sinkhole to occur in a human stomach.
The resulting media frenzy will leave you worn out and ragged by Thursday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will miss your nana this week.
Not that you're throwing food or anything and fail to hit her... you'll miss her when she's not there at the end of the week to make you laugh at just about anything she does.
Learn to laugh at your parents, too, kid, or you're going to be one miserable little thing.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Somewhere, possibly very close-ish by where you live, there is a little kid in need of someone to make him laugh.
Whether or not this is your mission this week depends whether or not you draw the "world peace mission" straw at Super League of Super Heroes Hall on Tuesday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will have a safe flight home today. Err, tomorrow, I mean.
And tomorrow, well, tomorrow, no, not tomorrow, the next day after tomorrow, you'll have a safe-ish, if a bit crazy, ride home.
Tell your driver, before you even start, to watch out for that sheep and dragon outside of Ennis.
It won't prevent anything, but it'll make you look psychic.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There is a great disturbance in your force this week.
It may involve strawberry jam.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Someone will beat your butt in a race this week.
It's still a cute butt, that person will have it be known.
Don't feel bad, you can always make them dig up more bushes with all that boundless energy they seem to have.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
In olden times, people believed that if you got sick it was because you'd done something bad.
Before that, when people got sick, people just pretended not to notice, because they had no good explanation for it.
So people of long, long ago were healthier, by all appearances, than people of just long ago.
I'm not sure how this relates to you. But there you have it.
Aries March 21 - April 19
That flesh eating bug you catch on Wednesday will have taken a real toll on you by Friday.
If you don't like being seen in public without your nose... I would refrain from going out.
Libra September 23 - October 22
AVOID THE BULLS THIS WEEK.
That's really the most important message I can give you this week.
Yes, and all the sentences in your horoscope have ended with the words "this week," this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nope, I haven't got anything for you this week. Sorry.
Check back next week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If someone does a triple axle lutz on their own in the forest, would the East German judge still give it a 4?
Try it out this week. We're hanging out with an East German judge this week, and will notice if they start acting funny at any point. Just be sure to log the time at which you do your lutz.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You, apparently, will be hanging out with an East German judge this week.
You are an idiot, my friend.
This isn't necessarily new this week, but valid as of about February of this year.
Do twenty five pushups (if you can), and give $100 to the Jimmy Fund.
[Horoscopes. Ummmm.... what?]