The Horoscopes
Get thee to a nunnery
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Hey, you've got to hide your love away this week!
Because, sure, it's hot out, but the police aren't going to buy that excuse for you walking around naked on 5th Street on Tuesday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will feel an odd compulsion this week; you can't leave the rug, for fear something dreadful will befall you.
I'm not going to give it away, but I'd stay put on the rug for as long as humanly possible.
You may see some other people putting up their feet and enjoying a glass of wine on the non-rugged portions of the house: don't be fooled, it's probably still not safe.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You should count your towels and other valuables around the house.
A recent visitor may have stolen something. Then again, they may not have, and are just trying to make you paranoid by paying the horoscope writer to write things like this.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will, like magic, appear somewhere you weren't expected.
Like a Bozo the Clown reference stuck somewhere between page 279 and 280 of War and Peace, Modern Library Classics edition.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Pull the wind out of someone's sails this week.
It may seem cruel to them and everyone around you, but they needed it, trust me.
Of course, they may not understand that they needed it, nor may the other bystanders, but at least, deep down, you will know you did the right thing, despite getting beaten up by an angry mob.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have a visitor this week, who will be larger than a termite.
And don't worry, it won't just be an abnormally large termite.
Also, enjoy your last week as a non-pretzel.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you were a ninja, and a horoscope writer were attacking you, I would throw those coconut, chocolate chip, and graham cracker (or whatever it is) cookie/brownie things at them, instead of chinese throwing stars.
Which you may have to do this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Someone will confide in you this week.
Someone you don't even know.
Someone you probably will never see again.
Unfortunately, they don't confide anything particularly interesting, so you don't even feel like telling anyone else what it was they confided in you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
"There sure seems to be a lot of violence in the horoscopes this week."
That will be your last thought before a bull tramples you on Thursday.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
-- HOROSCOPE GENERATION ERROR NO. 309 --
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone will offer you Kool-Aid on Friday.
Don't drink it, because it will be the well known misspelled variant, Kook-Aid, instead.
Which tastes nearly the same as Kool-Aid, only with less sugar. And what's the point of that, really?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Somehow, somewhere, you will survive this week.
But not if you break into the song. If you do, someone will surely beat you senseless, which will, in this context, not constitute surviving.
[Horoscopes. Games to play with expensive toys...]