The Horoscopes
Hey Here we go.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week is chock full of beetles for you.
If you're squeamish around bugs you might want to sit this one out and ask for a body double.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be very very good to someone taller than you this week.
Pass someone a branch of peace. Make it a big one.
While it may not smooth anything over, if you need to hit them, at least you'll know their hands are full, and they won't be able to strike back easily.
By the way, you need to go to sleep now, kiddo.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Prunes will not be a good idea this week.
Mind your P's and Q's this week, and things will go smoothly.
Except for any crunchy peanut butter you have during the course of the week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Like a heat lamp, your temper will be slow to build, resulting in an all-over tan, by week end.
Just make sure you're near an electrical outlet, otherwise it's all for naught.
I'm not entirely sure what this all means, it comes direct from Mercury.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be on your toes this week.
If you can manage this without lurching around too much, and work behind a counter, the people on the other side of the counter will have no idea you've been on your toes all week. Which will surely give you some degree of satisfaction, somehow.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be sorely tempted to stay in the sun this week.
Please don't. I know of two people, at the very least, who will miss you more than words can say.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your psyche will be stuck in neutral, to borrow a car metaphor, this week.
Your psyche won't be borrowing a car metaphor, it will be borrowing the car metaphor: stuck in neutral.
This will be the sort of week where you need these kinds of things explained to you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Feel free this week... free as a bird!
Free as a turtle on steroids! Free as pickles in the wind!
NB. This week may mark the return of those funny flashbacks you used to have to incidents involving walruses and cartoon bandits.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't run near the pool.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope at the present time.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone will offer you two different coloured M&M's this week.
The red one will lead you down one path. The green, down another.
Neither of them will be spectacular, so go with whatever colour you like better.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be just the slightest bit lost this week... not like the television show, because you won't be in Hawai'i, but you may notice parallels.
Guns will not be one of the parallels.
Water, lots and lots of water, however, will.
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