The Horoscopes
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Taurus April 20 - May 20
Split hairs this week, my friend, when someone tries to stick you with the bull.
Or bill. Our lucky typo may have spared you excess bull from some high class BS flingers this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Oogie, oogie, oogie, oi, oi, oi!
Strangely enough, you'll know exactly what this means.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will arrive to great fanfare on Wednesday.
"Great fanfare" may be a relevant, metaphorical, or just plain misleading term for actually greets you on Wednesday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Time for a gut check...
Still there? Good. That's just something you might want to do from time to time. You know, to make sure it's still there.
That or just eat lots of cakes so your gut gets big enough that you don't need to check any longer.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A little piece of asparagus never hurt anyone...
Except for this week, when you get an asparagus tip in the shoulder, pinning you to the ground like the hero in an action film.
Unlike the hero in an action film, you will simply wait until rabbits ranging about the yard in which you're speared have gnawed out the weapon from your shoulder, and you're free to go.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be a shock winner on American Idol this week.
Shock because you weren't exactly entered, and shock because I don't think it's officially supposed to be over for a couple more weeks.
So I would sign that recording contract quick, before someone gets over the shock and tries to get your win disqualified.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't burn your bridges.
That's the sort of thing that you should always practise a little, first, on other people's bridges. Or at least scale models.
Also, a good fire deterrent is a box of Munchkins. Go figure.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Follow your heart wherever it goes this week.
Because without it you won't live very long.
Libra September 23 - October 22
It's time for you to take a break, my man!
That's a non-gender-specific use of the word 'man,' there.
Also, giant green fungi from from South American jungle will invade your living room. Always a good sign that you should leave your house for a little bit.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No news for you this week. No horoscope, either. Big surprise.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Be on guard for false doors and floors this week.
If you wear really big shoes you'll have less to worry about.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be buried beneath a thick blanket of pollen this week.
It will make breathing difficult (imagine having a flower shoved up your nose), so if you can, I would recommend grabbing a big breath sometime last week... sorry for the late notice.
[Horoscopes. Hmm. They must have missed one or two in there somewhere.]