The Horoscopes
You go get 'em.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Thursday will explode on you. Literally.
Wear something you don't mind getting dirty.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Like a light on a hill, you're very shiney this week.
It may be oily skin, it may be you've been transformed into a seal.
If it's the latter, beware people with clubs.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Imagine you are a mouse, looking up at this honking great big piece of really stinky cheese.
Looks good, doesn't it?
Up until the moment the trap snaps down on you, trapping you and maybe causing gross, in more than one sense of the word, bodily harm.
Keep this analogy in mind this week, as a situation that appears to be a piece of cheese will not be so cheesy when the tacks are down.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Be brave this week.
Not so brave that you start picking fights with midgets with knives, but brave enough to maybe correct a barista if he or she gets your order wrong.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do. Not. Move. A. Muscle.
Life is perfect for you right now
So don't mess it up by moving. Even if you've got an itch.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Someone is getting up right now to get you tea, or a strange variation of tea.
Bounce an idea off a cheerleader this week.
You'll find that cheerleaders are bad springboards.
Also, you will look very cute on Tuesday.
And Saturday. Through Saturday, inclusive.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Do you get seasick?
Well, of course, we know the answer to that... we're astrologists, after all.
But we're making a point, stick with us, here.
Umm... it'll be a rocky ride this week. And it won't be your fault. So either channel your energies into trying not to throw up or stopping the person that's rockin' the boat from doing that.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You've been given a reprieve!
Either from a death sentence or it's raining out this week so you can't mow the lawn, one way or another you are getting some break this week, you lucky dog.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Someone is going to try and punch you this week.
But what's that saying about love hurting?
Get to know your would-be assailant and you may find true love. Or you might just get punched.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Your horoscopal progress report: DNQ.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I thought it was going to be your flatulence this week that was the big story, but it's your influence. Influence.
Hopefully not because of your flatulence.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
In your case, if you teach a man to fish this week he'll probably get a hook caught in you on his backstroke.
At least you have the weekend to have someone cut it out with a pair of wire cutters and alcohol.
[Horoscopes. Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondents Dinner]