The Horoscopes
Forgot the bottles.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't enter any spelling bees this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Sometimes this week you will feel like a parrot, repeating the last word you hear before speaking.
I suggest maybe choosing from your more G-rated audiobooks this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have meatloaf on Tuesday night.
And rabid badgers will not let you into your car on Thursday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will be a great inspiration to someone this week.
Just don't let this cloud your normal operating style, as your inspiration may be tainted, then.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you are wearing pigtails on Friday you'll only be wearing a half a pigtail by end of day.
If you are not wearing any at the start of the day, you'll still be wearing a half a pigtail by the end of the day. Hopefully the hair-based kind, and not an actual pig's tail.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will try to stop someone from writing the horoscopes this week.
You will fail.
May the horoscope gods have mercy on your soul.
Just kidding. But on the serious side, I hope those horoscope gods have mercy... because they cal be brutal.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Thank you for the Munchkins.
For that gift, you will win the lottery on Thursday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A mysterious message will be scrawled on your window Saturday morning.
COFFEE. KILLS. HERMITS.
This will kick you off on the second most exciting adventure of your life.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A neighbour will lend you a pound of sugar at some point during the week.
Without you having asked for it.
In the interest of good neighbourly relations, I would just keep it on a shelf somewhere safe, so you can return the entire pound, no harm done.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nothing for you!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
"Peanuts to pretzels!" will be the new catchphrase you attempt to make popular this week.
You won't be successful, but you'll have an unbelievable craving for pretzels and peanuts.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your back arrow key will stop working this week at the most inopportune times.
[Horoscopes. Happy Easter!]