The Horoscopes
Stars in your eyes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is the week to metaphorically jump on the bus.
Literally, if your trampoline is broken, and your shocks on the bus have recently been serviced.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Someone will try to sneak up behind you this week...
But there's not much you'll be able to do, since you'll be belted into your seat.
Here's some advice for those times when you can't do much else: Just chew on a piece of toast.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week, to continue a running theme, your house will welcome eight Chinese acrobats, a Thai masseuse, four milk maids, and a hippo. The hippo belongs to either one of the milkmaids (the most unsuccessful one, you'd imagine) or the masseuse.
The remaining free space in your house will be occupied by a Jello incident gone wrong.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A short bald fella will make passes at you.
And you won't mind.
Sit back and relax this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
I see great big pandas in your future.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will look beautiful this week in Winchester.
Convince someone near and dear to you to go back to the casino and win some more money to finance a lifestyle that would keep you in Winchester.
One easy way to convince them would be to simply drop them at the front door and drive off.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be very nice to someone and lend them your car for the week.
In return, they will share any Munchkins they may have for the next couple weeks.
Your good karma points otherwise may take a while to take effect, it seems, as the French conspire to make your life difficult by going on strike at something you needed in the next few days.
Aries March 21 - April 19
No news is good news this week.
So try and avoid the papers, radio, and television.
And avoid DVDs, too, but only because someone left Godsend in your player.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Wear wooly jumpers this week.
Not only will they keep you warm, but they will protect your especially ticklish armpits.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no tickly armpits. Maybe a ticklish knee. But that is not for us to say. It's only a wild guess. Sorry.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Thank you for the donuts. Fortune will smile on you for chocolate glazed donuts.
Fortune smiling will mean your car is buried in an awesome road accident, in which a donut truck turns over, spilling its content on you and the road, trapping you for hours while the emergency crews try to pry you away from the donuts.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Fortune will tweak your ear this week.
Oh, and a bunch of stuff you thought you lost will show up this week.
How'd you ever misplace a couch?
[Horoscopes. I don't know what this is all about.]