The Horoscopes
Here we go again.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A cordless phone will be your undoing this week.
Beware the wrath of Khan's younger brother Joe.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This is an excellent week to eat ice cream.
Don't get any on the furniture, though, or you'll regret it next week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Don't let people run you around like a pack animal.
Unless we missed something, and burlap is suddenly in, you'll get no good from doing it.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Keep your own counsel this week.
A blabbermouth will be hovering around your door like a hummingbird all week, trying to get you to reveal your innermost secrets.
Put him off by ringing up the local newspaper and having them come around to take photographs of a human-sized hummingbird.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Assert yourself this week, after all, no one will assert yourself for you.
Also, no one will wash behind your ears properly if you don't do it, so once you're done asserting yourself get out the washcloth and get to it.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
By Thursday you will feel much, much better.
Book yourself a spa weekend to recover fully. Especially since those who know you who don't read your horoscope won't know you'd recovered on Thursday.
NB. Don't try this trick on people who read your horoscope. Just tell them the truth and maybe give them an extra portion of dessert to placate them.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Where are your manners?
Oh look, sitting the divider of the highway again, causing traffic jams.
You'd better get them under control or the police are going to be after you for letting them get loose again.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Life as a chimney sweep sucks.
I only bring this up because you'll wake up on Wednesday to find yourself working as a chimney sweep.
And waking up wedged in a 2.5 foot by 2.5 foot brick box is not a nice feeling, let me tell you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't try and lift anything heavy this week... if you do, for heaven's sake lift with your knees, not your back, okay?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I... I... this is shocking. I've got nothing for you this week. I'm afraid.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If someone tries to teach you how to fish, under the guise that they'll feed you for life, instead of just the day if they'd just given you a fish, tell them to bugger off and give you your fish... after all, you paid for it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Someone close to you will have a shiny butt this week.
Whether this means you think the sun, moon, and stars shine out of their butt or they've just been going a little crazy with the old floor polish in alternative areas depends on the person and you.
Whatever the case, don't bring them on any covert night ops (as they say in the biz). That shiny butt will give you away.
[Horoscopes. This is not the founder, he swears...]